Updated.

Today I decided to update my blog. Today, I decided to write something to remind myself. I am scared I will forget, everything, I am scared I will mix what’s real and what’s not up. I am afraid I cannot differentiate between what’s right and wrong anymore, or worst, what I really feel because I think I’m slowly forgetting how it feels like to feel, real.

I am not happy, about anything. I didn’t regret coming to where I am right now. I am just not happy with myself. I am angry at myself for all the things I did and didn’t do. I blame myself for being so weak, so easy to crash.

I wished I could take everything in and still be strong because this time, I’m done pretending everything’s alright, no matter how much I assure myself things will be fine, and that everything will be okay because it is not okay. I am not doing well, I am screwing everything up and I am letting people down. I am not okay, I want to be okay. I still want to believe that there’s still a slightest hope in life. I want to not be a disappointment.

Just because there are no expectations does not mean there’s no stress.
It’s even worst to know they’ve already let you go, totally forgetting your existence.

I am just at one of the lowest point in life, right now.


PS: I hate being alone. It makes me think of all the possible negativity in life, even death.