I'm lying to myself. I give myself false hope and false expectations that never match up to reality. I twist circumstances around in my mind to make them seem better than they actually are. I think too much about the smallest, most insignificant gestures and blow them up like balloons and float around in this euphoric bubble of what could be and what I want to happen, and am always so let down by what I'm left with, an almost, could-be, maybe situation. I think too much into a smile and catching someone's eye from across the room. I think too much into an accidental hand brushing and prolonged eye contact. I tell myself that it can still happen, and I cling to the tiniest litter glimmers of hope, even though I know that there's a little itch I can't scratch that tells me that I'm wrong and that I can't make something out of nothing. I'm living in this fantasy world, where happy endings do exist, and the boy and the girl always do end up together. I'm tricking myself into thinking that we're perfect for each other when in reality, we may as well be strangers.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I am trying to remember
Remember what makes me happy
I have forgotten how to be.
This is making my brain hurt
You're not supposed to forget how to feel the best feeling in the world.
You are supposed to be able to forget stupid, sad feelings.
I am going through thousands and millions of memories.
Running them through in my head.
I can't.... remember
Friday, July 22, 2011
You know what your problem is?
You get attached, fast & once you're attached to someone, you do everything you can to please them and make them happy. It's never been about what you want, it's always everyone's needs before your own. You give out too many chances to people, who quite frankly, do not deserve them. They take advantage of you & you become a pushover. But you're okay with that, because they're in your life and that's all you ever really wanted & even if they screw you over, you'll still be there for them. Because that's you, that's who you are. Once you get attached to someone, they capture your heart and they always have a place there. That is why it's so hard for you to let them go.
He wrote that in the e-mail.
I am not a pushover.
I do fight for what I want.