Friday, June 25, 2010

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

hidden pain

Addison: Nobody beat me. Nobody tried to steal my baby. Nobody stabbed me, but…I am wounded, Sam.

Sam: Noah?

Addison: [sighs] My heart is broken. And I shouldn’t even complain about it, because nothing happened. Nothing happened to me, not like what happened to the Larsons or Violet. You know, sometimes I’m almost jealous of them? Because everybody can see their injuries so they have a right to be messed up. I sent Noah back to his wife and I did the right thing and my heart is ... broken.

-Private Practice

I guess this is why people try their hardest not to underestimate the pain others feel, no matter whether or not they seem fine. Some injuries aren't always visible to the naked eye.

Monday, June 21, 2010


I don't know what to say anymore. My mind runs blank every time I open up the page where I used to spill my heart. I used to have so much to say, now I can barely write a sentence. It's you. You have the affect on me. You walked into my life, and I can't find a place for you just yet. I'm lost for words, yet my heart is screaming with the things I want to say to you.

Sometimes, I feel a little jealous inside imagining someone can please you more than me. I guess it’s just my insecurities acting up a bit, because I know I’m not the most beautiful, most fun, or even the most exciting person you’ll ever meet.

And I know it sounds confusing, but at that moment, I just wanted to walk out of the room I was in, sit down in the middle of the hallway, and cry. Just cry.

Nobody knows a lot about me.
They think they do, but they have no idea.
Nobody really knows me, because nobody asks.
And the fact that nobody asks makes me think, do they even really care?

Do you care? Ask yourself.
If you really care for someone, you'd ask them.
Even a simple 'how are you?' will do.
You won't know how much a simple 'how are you?' can make someone's day.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

because this is what I am (no matter what you say or do)

I’m a girl.
I have feelings.
I overreact.
I underestimate.
I overestimate.
I over think everything.
I look too deep into everything’s meaning.
I dream big.
My expectations are high.
I can tell when I’m being lied to but sometimes I wish I didn’t.
Yes I get jealous, and I’m always scared I’ll lose you.
That’s why when I ask how you are I mean it.
When I ask how was your day, I genuinely want to know.
And when I say I love you, I’m not lying.

I’ve always avoided fights.
I make jokes instead.
I tell people what they want to hear in order to avoid a confrontation.
I pretend to want things I don’t want, and I pretend not to want things I do want.
No one gets hurt.
Except me.
The lines are so crossed and blurred at this point that I don’t know what I want.
I just know I want it to be easy.

If whatever you do or say makes you happier.
Go ahead, I won't comment, I won't fight back.
I'm too tired or you can say I'm a loser, a coward, or/and a failure.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

distance = problems

I sleep intermittently, for hours on end and some days hardly at all. I watch movies and listen to songs that break my heart. It doesn’t really matter because I’ve gotten better at hiding, but some days not so well. People get tired. Yet in reality I think no one really cares to hear anything less than “I am fine”. Someday (perhaps in a good way) I might even forget how to feel.

I’m in a love affair without a love song. I’m in the habit of having what I don’t want. I’m just a hologram. You can see but don’t touch me. Oh, and how I bet you want me now.

I think that possibly, maybe I’m falling for you. Yes, there’s a chance that I’ve fallen quite hard over you. I’ve seen the waters that make your eyes shine, now I’m shining too because, oh because I’ve fallen quite hard over you. If I didn’t know you, I’d rather not know. If I couldn’t have you, I’d rather be alone. I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop I love so much, all of the while I never knew it was you.

life like this

Life changes. You get it all lined up just the way you like it & then something beyond your control comes along & bumps you off center. How nice it would be if you could get everything just the way you want it & say, 'Okay, now, stay.' But nothing stays the same. You grow up, make friends, lose friends, go to college, lose track of people, meet new ones, & sometimes you ask yourself why. But all I can tell you is the every single experience you go through like this changed you in some way. Every new person who comes into your life changes you. Every moral dilemma or emotional experience you come up against changes you. It's your job you decide how. That's how character is developed.

A nurse once told me that wounds will not heal if you urgently put band aid on it. Sometimes you just have to let it bleed, give it some space for healing & when you think your wounds are already cleansed, that's the time you can use a band aid for it. Remember: the more you cover yourself from pain, the more infected you are.

now I understand the meaning she literally meant.


Sunday, June 13, 2010

you are not the only one

cause honestly.
I am immune.

believe it or not.
life fucks you from every side possible.
I've been through worst :D
& in the end, I'm the pragmatic survivor.

anyway, check up on the regular updates in twitter.
I won't be blogging much bout daily happenings :x
too lazy.

I think I've been very possessive lately.
when I say very, I mean seriously, extremely.

the thing isn't even mine, why am I even overreacting?
besides, I choose not to buy it myself
Why am acting like some lunatic obsessive compulsive disordered person?

urgh. I think I'm contradicting myself a lot these days.
usually I'll ignore it & pretend it doesn't exist
but now, I want to go all ...
"assholes, catch your own wave, stop indirectly pretending to want to accidentally like what I like..."

I'm not even gonna further explain it with an anger like this.
Seriously. I might end up bombarding the world :(

I should go back to sleep and buy my ALDO shoes in my dream.

I know you know what I'm talking about,
A little competition now & then create a little sparks :)

Saturday, June 12, 2010

the me, in randomness

to be completely honest.

I am a huge pathetic selfish egoistic bossy bastard
I do whatever I want whenever I want
I couldn't be bothered about what people feel
I am overly sensitive in certain issue
I like to hurt people (feeling wise) so I don't feel intimidated
I have commitment phobia
I always want things people can't have
I get jealous as easy as ABC
I enjoy making people feel envious whenever I can
I like getting attention but when given, I feel shy
I only socialize so I don't feel left out
I want to do something notorious in the future
I hate feeling bitter

i am f?cking random this morning
I want to go back to sleep

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

the fear in me

because I'm scared I'll lose my freedom
because I've been like this for so long
because I'm afraid of changes
because I don't want to be too dependent

last but not least

maybe, just maybe, because I dare not admit you might just be that one person.