someday we'll know...

I kinda miss the bond we shared. I mean, who wouldn't miss that comfortable feeling with a person. Where we could talk for hours about everything, anything and not have a problem with the silence in the middle. Can't forget all the ridiculous stuff we did. Stupid or not, everything was just so fun. Endless nights, real talks, the "remember whens" I remember it all. And it's funny what life does, how it could just give you things and take it away so soon. I really can't get it to my head that you grow distant from people and that good things come to an end sooner or later. But along the way I learned one thing about life; it goes on, you just gotta pick yourself up and learn to keep up.

you don't know how it hurts

You don’t know how you’re affecting my life. We don’t even have to be in a relationship for you to hurt me like this. I am trying to stay away from you, I am trying to repress my feelings for you. But I can’t.

Passion to PARTY + MUSIC = XPLAY

XPLAY bring you the parties like never before, with the beyond-imagination line-ups and awesome music to leave you the best and most memorable nights you will ever have!

The SHOUT! Awards is brought to you by CELCOM!

It is an entertainment award show to recognizes people in the Malaysia entertainment industry.

Besides there will be a pre-show party, XPLAY SHOUT! Happening at The Library e@curve on 13 November!

Are you excited yet? Yes? No?

DISAGREE will be there! Not only them, there will also be local acts like HUJAN, MIZZ NINA & DJ ASH !!

So…. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

Get your free invitation now!

First, LIKE the Xpax Facebook in www.facebook.com/xpaxfb and click on the “XPLAY” tab.

Second, register for a FREE invitation.

Yes, it is that easy!

First 150 customers to register on XPAX Facebook will get Free Drinks as well! (If you are an Xpax or U.O.X. member, you’ll get 2 drinks!)

WAITT!!!

You can also get FREE passes to SHOUT! AWARDS!

How?

Just download 3 Call Me Tone of the Mobile Content Award 2010 nominess from www.channelx.com.my and stand a chance to win free passes to attend Shout! Awards on 20 November 2010!!

Just A Feeling

You know that feeling? When you're just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you're tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it's okay. But no one's going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you're tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won't be. But you're still hoping. And you're still wishing. And you're still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes. You're fighting.

&

at one point, you really just wished you can stop fighting and let it all go.

Let it wash away all the pain and doubtfulness of your life.

I'm sorry that I always have this fear that one day you are going to discover that I am not as great as you once thought I was & you will leave me, so I always do my best to impress you to end up making a fool out of myself.

I just hope that you miss me a little when I'm gone.

Just a little is enough.

darkness prevails

there comes a point when you tell people your problem and all they do is just nod and pretend to care.

so much for having good friends (that don't care)

I know one day I'll read this and laugh at how stupid I am.

to believe anyone in this world will actually care about what I say or do.

to have the slightest hope that people are nice. (maybe they are, just not to me)

correct me if I'm wrong.

I have friends that never care.

thats why I existed.

thats why it came back.

& honestly, it doesn't hurt anymore.

I'm too chicken to walk away from everything.... just yet

call me self-pity.

I'm over that phase that I actually cares about what people think.

It'll only push me further to let go.

#emopost2

Statements

I realized that even though I am surrounded by people who love me, I still feel alone. Unneeded, unwanted, and really confused. I also hate a lot of things that I should probably appreciate.

I over think every single thing. I end up making myself miserable thinking into things. I have gained this terrible habit of not believing what people say to me. I also worry that I'm being lied to and that all the good things are in my head. I'm sorry, I don't mean to. I think I just need to learn how to trust people again.

I tend to shy away from what I really want. I dissect it, see how it works. What it will do to me, for me, against me, and I hate it. I mean, I can’t stop. This is why I’m not happy. I try to avoid pain, pretending I’m saving myself when, in reality, it only hurts more. I act as though I’m saving myself in some sick way. I’m too afraid to stop, though. I think that if I can’t control anything, I won’t make it out alright.

You don’t know me. You don’t know anything about me. You don’t know how I feel, or what is going on inside my head, every second of everyday. I wish you could see how much it all hurts.

Trust me, I know how it feels. I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you. I know what it's like to wait for everyone to be asleep so you can just fall apart, for everything to hurt so bad you're ready to let it all end. Trust me. I know exactly how it feels.

when the light goes off

No, I’m not suicidal, really. I just want to feel the adrenaline rush, all my life I have been trying to do things to get me killed and also get my heart pumping fast, I want to cross the highway with my eyes closed, I want to go skydiving even with a height phobia, I want to drive more than 160km/h on a busy road (not that I haven’t). But now, with all this little petty issue, it’s really pushing me to the edge. I would like to dive into the apartment swimming pool from the 19th floor just to see if I will survive, even knowing almost impossible for the human race in this world to survive the fall/dive. Honestly, I am not suicidal. I’m not killing myself.

Death; scares me, but one day I’m afraid I’d overcome this fear because this is not the first time anymore. As the clock is ticking, there are even more thoughts flooding over my mind, like it has a mind of its own, telling myself to walk away from everything. What scares me is just that one day, I just might...

I’m not suicidal, I’m just a hypocrite.

Updated.

Today I decided to update my blog. Today, I decided to write something to remind myself. I am scared I will forget, everything, I am scared I will mix what’s real and what’s not up. I am afraid I cannot differentiate between what’s right and wrong anymore, or worst, what I really feel because I think I’m slowly forgetting how it feels like to feel, real.

I am not happy, about anything. I didn’t regret coming to where I am right now. I am just not happy with myself. I am angry at myself for all the things I did and didn’t do. I blame myself for being so weak, so easy to crash.

I wished I could take everything in and still be strong because this time, I’m done pretending everything’s alright, no matter how much I assure myself things will be fine, and that everything will be okay because it is not okay. I am not doing well, I am screwing everything up and I am letting people down. I am not okay, I want to be okay. I still want to believe that there’s still a slightest hope in life. I want to not be a disappointment.

Just because there are no expectations does not mean there’s no stress.
It’s even worst to know they’ve already let you go, totally forgetting your existence.

I am just at one of the lowest point in life, right now.


PS: I hate being alone. It makes me think of all the possible negativity in life, even death.