I realized that even though I am surrounded by people who love me, I still feel alone. Unneeded, unwanted, and really confused. I also hate a lot of things that I should probably appreciate.
I over think every single thing. I end up making myself miserable thinking into things. I have gained this terrible habit of not believing what people say to me. I also worry that I'm being lied to and that all the good things are in my head. I'm sorry, I don't mean to. I think I just need to learn how to trust people again.
I tend to shy away from what I really want. I dissect it, see how it works. What it will do to me, for me, against me, and I hate it. I mean, I can’t stop. This is why I’m not happy. I try to avoid pain, pretending I’m saving myself when, in reality, it only hurts more. I act as though I’m saving myself in some sick way. I’m too afraid to stop, though. I think that if I can’t control anything, I won’t make it out alright.
You don’t know me. You don’t know anything about me. You don’t know how I feel, or what is going on inside my head, every second of everyday. I wish you could see how much it all hurts.
Trust me, I know how it feels. I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you. I know what it's like to wait for everyone to be asleep so you can just fall apart, for everything to hurt so bad you're ready to let it all end. Trust me. I know exactly how it feels.