I’m not sure if I’m happy or completely lost right now. Definitely a little lost, but aren’t we all? I have no idea what I’m doing in my life, or where I’m going. And I think I’m okay with that right now. For the first time in a while, I noticed that I’ve changed. Maybe for the best, maybe not. But does it really matter? When we change, we can never go back. Each day is a chemical reaction, you can tell something has happened because it can never go back to what it was. A new substance has formed; the process cannot be reversed.

familiarity?

It's happening again. You're always tired from your mind going a million miles a minute. All that really appeals to you is cowering under covers and sleeping off all your relentless, pointless efforts in trying to make everything better. You are disillusioned. Maybe you know that you can change things around, but you question whether you want to or not. Because being sad has some kind of comfort to you - because there's always that familiarity. No matter how long your sadness has been prolonged, it's known that when you revisit it, the same thoughts, feeling and actions all take place. You revisit the same place where you left off.

keep going on.

Everyone wants a sense of security. We just need one person to ask us how we’re feeling, how our day was, and if we have something to say; one simple question can relieve us of any burdens, from the day or something that has been constantly gnawing at us. One friendly question has such an impact on us. We look for hope in others and sometimes that’s what we need to keep us going. That’s what friends are for, right?

holding on & letting go; you know?

Sometimes, we tend to push people away simply because we’re scared that if they stay, we might get too attached leaving some doubts that they’ll leave us soon so what we do is, we decide for them. We push them away even before we get attached, trying to lessen the pain it might cause. We push people away to not seem so vulnerable. 

We push people away even if we know we want them to stay. 

But hey, the ones who wants to stay will stay even if you push them away.

being strong & never losing control

Everything is ending soon & I won't be seeing you again for some time (or at all).

If only you knew how much I am going to miss you when you're gone. 

You mean so much to me, and for the past year, I've tried my hardest in showing you what I feel. I know you tried understanding but I guess that's what kills me, knowing we'll never share the same feeling. I always seem to get my hopes up, but there is no use anymore, considering you are the only one I want. 

The source to my happiness, my only light in the dark has just burn out, leaving me to just blend in with the cold darkness. The tears are beginning to fall as I write this. They pierce my skin like a knife, revealing all of the hurt and emotion I've been holding inside for so long. 

I just don't know what I'm going to do without you here.

I don't know

if I like you or I just love having you around or that I like talking to you.
A part of me wants to hold in my feelings since I'm afraid of getting attached.
I get attached too easily and I don't want my feelings to further develop when I'm not even sure what this is.
What if we're not sure what we want?
What if I'm just exaggerating what I feel?
What if we're just doing this out of familiarity?
I hate this; it's too complicated.

I close my eyes... & Pray ♥

Its hard not talking to you.

Maybe it's the lack of communication we share, or the hardship of opening up that makes it difficult to talk to you sometimes.

I have all these things I want to tell you, but I can't seem to get my thoughts out through my mouth, as they are trapped inside my mind with a lock I've lost the key to.

I honestly think we would have a different outcome if I was able to tell you just half of the things I've been dying for you to know.

♥

2011

2011 is the year that went by so fast, maybe a little too fast.

It's the year your so called friend walks out of your life and it's the year you realised who the real ones are.

It's the year you felt the most pressure to the point where you gave up so many times but you're still learning how to get back up.

It's the year you said you were going to accomplish great things yet you feel like you just wasted time.

It's the year you cried over too many pointless things, too many times.

It's the year you look back on all the lifetime memories in which you find yourself missing the people in them.

But it's also the year you move on slowly, and you realised that, it is okay.

if, & only if...

If I could tell you how I really felt, the world would be off of my shoulders.

If I could live all my days without the reminders, all my smiles would be real.

If I didn’t have to worry about the future instead of what is going on today,

I would probably be able to breathe.

Black is Back with Arthur’s Day 2011

Arthur Guinness, the man behind the one of the most successful beer brands worldwide.

Guinness is brewed in almost 50 countries and sells 1.8 billion pints yearly.

Guinness is probably the best damn drink invented for human kind!

To honor this great man, we will be celebrating Arthur’s Day this 23rd September!

Come on and join all of us on this worldwide celebration with Arthur’s Day!

It’s going to be the party of the YEAR!

TAIO CRUZ is performing the night itself, bringing us hits like ‘Break Your Heart’, ‘Dynamite’ & ‘Higher’.

Not only are we seeing Taio Cruz performing, they will also be featuring the local music act!

Prema Yin, Naked Breed, Rosevelt, Dragon Red, Jin Hackman (ft. CSBTEA) & James Baum will stand a chance to perform on the same stage as Taio Cruz, too.

The Malaysia’s Top 2 favourites will be chosen based on the votes online & on ground at various performance venue! So vote now for your favourite to open for Arthur’s Day. Vote HERE now!

Details of Arthur’s Day are as below,

Date: 23 September 2011 (Friday)

Time: 6 pm onwards

Venue: Speed City KL, Selangor Turf Club

(Location)

I'm so excited to see Taio Cruz perform in front of my eye!

Besides, this party is going to be an experience money never buy!

Be a part of this celebration, win yourself passes from Guinness Malaysia or Nuffnang!

Those passes are so exclusive you can only win them!

So people, start winning passes & I’ll see all of you there!

TO ARTHUR!!

farewell to you ♥

It's been a while since I actually wrote something like this, I don't remember writing any farewell note for anyone on my blog. Here's to you, Regina Tan, the girl I can always run to whenever there's any shit going on, she'll be the calmest and always trying to assure me things will be just fine.

I know Pahang is not far from Penang, and it's only an hour ride from KL but the fact that you are leaving away from this island to somewhere else to study, makes me feel like as though we are all growing up, leaving, one by one. That feeling makes me just want to stay young forever. I'm sure you are eager to start your uni life after the 9 months break.

Remember how we met? We used to be good friends in Standard 3 and then this "funny" dream I had of us kinda drifted us apart. Funny how after a year, we end up still being best friends. Fate, I guess. Having you as my (best) friend have always been an accomplishment to me. Twelve years, it's definitely an accomplishment to me, knowing me, I get tired/sick of people/things easily and after 12 damn years we are still as close as ever, I really thank God for that.

I know I wrote this on the card but thank you for being the great friend you are, I'm proud to be your friend. Thank you for always standing by me, especially through all the tantrums I've thrown to get things the way I want. Thank you for always making time for me even when you already have plans and fetching me, all the time. Thank you too for driving back my car after the accident, I'm sorry I haven't drove you out after that, I promise I will drive you next time ok? That's my promise to you! Anywhere you want, anytime (after 2012 that is) LOL!

Gina, take care there! Don't feel sad or lonely (though it might be unavoidable for the first few days), you have your iPad with you, look at all the funny pictures inside whenever you're down alright? Remember you'll always have us, always.

Wishing you all the best for the start of your uni life!

Will miss you.

xx ♥

one of the worst feeling

I’ve always hated being left behind.

Whether or not any spoken form of goodbye is uttered, whether or not it’s for the best, whether or not I know the person’s bound to come back soon, being left behind always makes me feel like my heart’s getting wrenched out of my chest.

No matter how many times I’m reassured about how the goodbyes are for my own good, I just can’t stop the tears from coming and I end up wishing I never even met those people to begin with. I curse and I scream, I push the person away then beg that person to stay. I spend each damn day and night trying to keep myself afloat, and trying to drown out that hollow feeling that just makes me feel like crap. Funny how everything that made sense can fall apart with one person’s goodbye.

People come and go, that is very much true.

I should probably be used to it by now.

But I’m not & I probably never will be.

Heck, I know I sound like an emotionally unstable kid right now but this is me.

happy birthday ♥

Happy 20th Birthday girl :)

This is specially dedicated to you, my closest most annoying and noisy best friend. Funny how we became close, seriously, 11 years down the road and we're still as close (or even closer). We've been through quite a lot, all the dramas and shits, glad we made it through. I was reading back the post I wrote for you 3 years ago, and I laughed, you're STILL annoying me with your whys and what ifs.

Anyway, thank you for always being there, staying online till late night just to make me feel better, driving all the way to my house though you are kinda road blind and annoying my soul to make me laugh.

I love you! Don't ever forget that & I hope you had a great birthday.

be really proud 'cause honestly, I barely do this nowadays.

♥

strangers, again

I'm lying to myself. I give myself false hope and false expectations that never match up to reality. I twist circumstances around in my mind to make them seem better than they actually are. I think too much about the smallest, most insignificant gestures and blow them up like balloons and float around in this euphoric bubble of what could be and what I want to happen, and am always so let down by what I'm left with, an almost, could-be, maybe situation. I think too much into a smile and catching someone's eye from across the room. I think too much into an accidental hand brushing and prolonged eye contact. I tell myself that it can still happen, and I cling to the tiniest litter glimmers of hope, even though I know that there's a little itch I can't scratch that tells me that I'm wrong and that I can't make something out of nothing. I'm living in this fantasy world, where happy endings do exist, and the boy and the girl always do end up together. I'm tricking myself into thinking that we're perfect for each other when in reality, we may as well be strangers.

I Can't Remember...

I am trying to remember

Remember what makes me happy

I have forgotten how to be.

This is making my brain hurt

You're not supposed to forget how to feel the best feeling in the world.

You are supposed to be able to forget stupid, sad feelings.

I am going through thousands and millions of memories.

Running them through in my head.

I can't.... remember

Uncertainty

You know what your problem is?

You get attached, fast & once you're attached to someone, you do everything you can to please them and make them happy. It's never been about what you want, it's always everyone's needs before your own. You give out too many chances to people, who quite frankly, do not deserve them. They take advantage of you & you become a pushover. But you're okay with that, because they're in your life and that's all you ever really wanted & even if they screw you over, you'll still be there for them. Because that's you, that's who you are. Once you get attached to someone, they capture your heart and they always have a place there. That is why it's so hard for you to let them go.

He wrote that in the e-mail.

I am not a pushover.

I do fight for what I want.

selfish

I just have to say it once— you just have to hear it. I love you, Elena... and it's because I love you and... I can't be selfish with you. Why you can't know this— I don't deserve you. But my brother does... God, I wish you didn't have to forget this... but you do.

-Damon Salvatore in The Vampire Diaries

Close.

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it’s usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we have chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much they hurt you.

Just because I'm used to it, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anymore.

You always do it; so routinely like it didn't matter to you.

It feels like even if I vanish off the Earth, you won't even notice.

Change

Change is good nor bad, it is neither savage nor wise. It is either constructive or destructive. But without change, we are stuck, rooted and stagnant. We neither take a step forward nor backward. We play life safely, afraid of uncertainties and possibilities. With change comes responsibilities and consequences, it may hurt at first but eventually we will learn, and as we learn, we will grow and as we grow, we will know that this change we chose was right instead of repose. So take a risk, take a chance, make a change & live a life.

maybe I’m a masochist...

I need to stop clinging on to this. All I am now doing is clutching at straws and I wish I could just accept this and move on. I really wish you would show me no attention. Each time you do, the word 'maybe' comes back into play and I am sick of torturing myself with the thoughts of possibilities. Never have I been more confused by one person. I don't know how you've managed to gain this control, this control you quite clearly have which I still cannot admit to myself. God knows why I would follow you to the end of this Earth but the forces are all there. I don't even know why you stand out above the rest, why you are the first to be noticed, why your words weigh more than that of any other. All you ever do is make me insecure and aware of my inadequacy. You will ask me why I am afraid and why I hide from you. It is because I am not brave and I know I will always lack the courage I should have. It is because I am so helplessly average in every way, whilst you remain endlessly interesting and I am ugly through and through when you are charming and I am awkward and you are so ceaselessly endearing. And all in all much too good for me. I am so hopelessly boring that I could never give you the excitement and passion and perfection that you seek. I will let you down in the way I have done every other time because I am fickle and I am weak and indecisive. And it is you that makes me want to be everything that I am not, because you look for something I don't possess. You have always dreamed of something, someone far better than me. When my words bore you, when you ignore me, all I can do is to blame myself for not being interesting enough. I can give myself to others; I have more options than I could ever care for, but this lack of closure means that emotionally I can't do anything because I cannot completely eliminate the possibility of you. I'm sick of your reflective eyes forever staring into mine, tormenting me with their perfection. I'm sick of that captivating smile, there's nothing to beat it. I'm sick of everything I know I can never do and never be. Knowing that the one time I am certain of what I want, it is completely unattainable.